Dear daughter,

I have no idea how long its going to be before I get to meet you...how long it will be before I have to leave you there, knowing how much happier you'll be once you're here with a family until we come back again, and again before the last time :) ....and how long it will be before you bunk across the hall from me FOREVER.

I do know that the last couple months....pretty much since we committed to bringing you home and making you part of our eternal family, that I have felt the dial on my personal 'resistence' meter being cranked higher and higher. And do NOT get me wrong. I am not complaining. Things have been stressful. And I've cried and grumbled...and I'm sure I'll cry and grumble some more. But as I was hashing out my disasterous weekened with my physical therapist this morning...a man of great faith from a church different than mine own, a man I happen to like and respect a great deal...he gently chided me that these things are 'character building' and you know what? I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. I obviously have MUCH to learn. I also surprised myself when I admited to him that I knew things would be okay...and he commented they might not...to which I agreed, and then said something to the effect of...but they will, because none of this crap matters. All that matters is bringing you home. And when you're home, all this will be payment made easy!

I 'get' it now. I get how people can give their hearts quickly and freely to a child not their blood. Don't think me awful...but I used to question it. Not now. I 'get' it. And I can't wait to have you here to share in my disaster-filled life!

So hang on...we're jumping through hoops...and I'm chubby. So it feels like I'm falling behind and its frustrating. But...this fat girl WILL jump through every hoop asked of me because I want to be your mom. I want my other babies to be your brothers...your sisters. They want it too. So....while these weeks/months are dragging by painfully slow and making me crazy...I'll try to remember you don't even know we exist yet. I'll pray someone combs your hair today...hugs you quickly...smiles at you. They're just bridging gaps until I can do that forever!

Mom

bleh.

Discouraged doesn't even begin to explain my feelings tonight. Nor does hacked. Or frustrated. Or heartbroken.

WHY in the heck is this such a painful process? What of this does ANYthing to ensure that Claire is coming to a good home, where she'll be loved and taken care of? Oh, you don't see the link? Good, me either! We're facing the need to do tons more training before we even get our travel date. And I am sick. And sad. Because I just want to hug her and bring her home.

And while we were told originally that Christmas was 'more than doable' we are NO way going to make that happen. We'll be lucky to get there by then. Bleh.

Who likes my attitude tonight?